Dear God

Please help me not to murder this dog for sinking his razor teeth into my toes and thinking that my yelling in pain and screaming “NO BITE! NO BITE! NO! NO! OH MY GOD THAT HURTS SO BAD! NO!” means bite harder and more ferociously because this is such a fun game.


Also, can you ask him to stop eating everything he isn’t supposed to, like the cats and dust and stray cat litter and leaves and mud and my clothes and anything on the ground in reach of his hoover-like mouth?

Thank you,


  1. March 8, 2009

    Dear Gus,
    Never give up. I haven’t and it’s been two years. Just this morning, I stole three books from the shelves, ate the remote control to the television and tried to bite off my owner’s fingernail. Isn’t it fun?

  2. March 8, 2009

    ask the vet if you can give him orajel and/or tylenol. some folks are against it but i’ve used it with both of our dogs, but not every day.

    it helped my dogs b/c teething pain is bad. (i was a dog in another life, that’s how i know.) carrots are helpful too.

    do you know the teeth will begin falling out? you’ll find teeth here and there. you totally have to teach him about the tooth fairy at which point you’ll be able to bribe him with that tooth fairy. here’s an example: gus, if you don’t stop misbehaving the tooth fairy/santa claus/easter bunny will never visit you and you’ll die all alone.

    oh and there is a product called bitter apple that you can spray on stuff you don’t want him to chew. including your body parts.

  3. March 9, 2009

    You’re going to be taking him to puppy training, right? Because sometimes if you don’t firmly nip some of these bad behaviours in the bud right away they keep them forever. It’s totally worth the time and money to put him through a bit of puppy school. Totally.

  4. heathen
    March 9, 2009

    Leah – I’m waiting for the precious day when his teeth fall out. I’m going to see about this bitter apple product because we have nowhere else to go.

    XUP – Once again, you’re absolutely right. We have researched some puppy classes and he’s old enough now that they’ll take him in. I’m hoping they will teach him some good habits like, hey, how’s about not putting your ass in my face.

    Moses – Give your mother my condolences.

  5. March 9, 2009

    I’m sorry to say you misunderstand puppy school. It doesn’t teach the dog anything it teaches you how to behave with the dog. Like not yelling when he bites cause that’s just exciting and he learns he can get that amazing reaction just by nipping you. If you were a dog mother instead of a human you’d growl low down, and then if that didn’t stop the objectionable behaviour, you’d bite him.
    All the noise is just a turn on its sort of like teenagers at concerts.

  6. heathen
    March 9, 2009

    Well, clearly I need to get right to puppy school.

  7. LizzieLou
    March 9, 2009

    I have a confession to make….

    the reason why Gus has been so bad and biting you is all my fault. You see, as the Academy Awards(TM) were wrapping up, Robin O and I were frolicking with Gus in his playpen area and got him Very Excited. And then while I was holding him, I bent my head down to kiss his fresh little head and he winged around and bit my lip. He was only hanging there like a tribal fetish piercing for a second or two, but I’m afraid that it could be how he developed his taste for human flesh, this maniacal blood lust you write about.

    You tried to warn me. I didn’t heed. He’s too cute! Sorry! (I love fanGus)

  8. March 11, 2009

    Yeah, Bandobras has some good info. Did you ever see that South Park episode where they make fun of the dog trainer, Cesar something or another? Cartman’s mom is instructed to nip him in the neck while hissing to get him to stop his bad behavior. It’s hilarious. Anyway, living with a dog is weird, yo. You really have to be more physically communicative and dominance is key.

    (But he’s so cute!)

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