Dear Google Searchers (Vol. 1):

I get a fair amount of people to this site based on their Google searches.  It is one of my favorite things about this place, being able to peek at the clandestine searches of strangers who are likely locked in their darkened bedrooms, secretly longing to find videos of teachers and their students having sex or wondering what wine Oprah was drinking on her most recent trip to Italy.  A lot of people are looking for answers to some very serious and important questions, most of which aren’t going to have been answered here.  That’s why I’m dedicating this post to you, closet Googler, and giving you all the answers you’ve been looking for.

can turtles give you herpes: I think your problem here is bigger than herpes, if you know what I mean.

singing asshole: I believe you were looking for this.

bad linsey: Hi mom!

how does a wolf kill a baby caribou: With kindness. That’s what I keep telling myself.

ovaries fall out: You can’t get them back in, I’ve tried.

gays in the military and at the work places: Those are our most successful recruiting stations. Stop on by and pick up a brochure!

what does no one puts baby in a corner mean?: It means that no one should think that it will muffle the crying.

things that celiacs cannot have: Things that are delicious.

what does a jackass look like? You’re making this too easy

what medication did the doctor give the lady to have 8 babies? I don’t think that sperm is, technically, a medication and, if you ask me, the medications she should have been getting would have had nothing to do with making babies.

leave your wife I get a lot of hits on this website for people searching for tips on leaving a wife, stories on leaving a wife, good reasons for leaving a wife and so on.  I don’t know why they all end up here, in a space where I think I fairly portray the loving relationship between two gay ladies who will not leave one another, ever, because who else would Janie refuse to get off of, already?  But if you want my advice on the best way to leave your wife, it is this:  Run.  Run and never look back.  Run far, far away to a place with no air conditioning because otherwise  I’ll find you, Janie.  I’ll find you and you’ll be mine again.

how to get something in front of Oprah Present it with a dozen donuts.  Or maybe that’s just how to get me to pay attention.  Hmm…

every day i blow my nose and a large chunk comes out of one my nostrils. should i be concerned? Does it look like brain matter?  Then yes.

flintstones and neolithic and lesson Here’s a lesson.  How’s about we don’t look to cartoons for educating ourselves.

getting old person smell out of car First things first, remove that old guy from the back seat.

Janie whore You don’t even know her!  Or maybe you do…

Come again, when we will dig deeper into the Google search terms vault.




  1. Joel
    February 20, 2009

    As a regular reader of this blog, maybe I’m intruding by commenting on this post, but I just have to say…

    This post is f*ing awesome. Responding to Google searchers on your blog is brilliant. It should become a thing. You’ve paved the way for other bloggers with a hilarious and perfectly crafted masterpiece.

    On behalf of the regular lurkers, let me say to the Googlers who found uncouthheathen by accident: count yourself lucky. You may not have found what you were looking for on this blog, but you’ve stumbled onto a trove of wit and wisdom that you didn’t know your life was lacking. Be sure to hit the subscribe button before you continue on your way; you strange and horribly misguided people.

  2. heathen
    February 20, 2009

    Thanks Joel! You’re #1!

  3. E's Mom
    February 20, 2009

    I’m sorry to correct you because we both know that between you and me you are the one who is always right, but Oprah would be much easier to get an audience with if you had some hot & fresh Ezzel’s Fried Chicken (check out the ABOUT US page on their web site). So let’s just say that although I’m sure the doughnuts would probably peek her interest, the chicken would be a sure fire hit.

  4. February 20, 2009

    this made me laugh. and i sure like to laugh. really. it’s true.

  5. February 27, 2009

    You. crack. me. up.

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