Update: Sims in Crisis

It has been some time since I’ve updated on the progress of our computer generated doppelgangers known as the Lady-Gay family in the computer game called The Sims.  Last we met, Janie and I were living together with a newly adopted daughter and cheating on one another at regular intervals.  Janie was in a passionate affair with Sim Bette from the L-Word and I was prancing about town on the arm of an unattractive and sickly co-worker.

Since that time, I have become mayor of our town and each morning I am picked up by a helicopter that lands on the street in front of our house.  Janie reached the top of her career in the Medical field and then she got fired and then she made it back up the ladder to Chief of Staff.  We recently moved to a new house just down from my Sim sister who has two kids with no eyes.  Our daughter, Lilia, grew up and moved out, but before she did, we adopted another, Britney, and she married Sim Shayne from the L-Word in the middle of their first date at the gym.  The engagement and simple ceremony happened almost at the same time in front of the dart boards.  They moved back home with us, but it wasn’t long before the chaos of Janie’s and my numerous midnight liaisons with countless new suitors drove them to seek accommodations of their own.  They live a few houses down from us now, with three kids, each from three separate affairs with strange men.  Word on the streets is that another is on the way.

Sim Janie is now getting hot and heavy with too many people to count.  I no longer see my old flame/coworker unless I bring her home from work on my helicopter, and even then, all she does is throw up in our toilet and then I kick her out.  Last night, things took a dramatic turn when Janie had a baby by a man she brought home from work.  I’d like to point out that this was not the first time she related to someone while I was asleep in another room.  I don’t think it will be the last, either.  To retaliate, I think Sim Linsey will need to make a baby of her own, but to date, the only men she knows are her father and brother-in-law and that’s just disgusting and wrong, even for a computer game.

Our older daughter, Lilia, is famous now.  She has her own walk of fame star and makes more cash then anyone else.  She lives in a large apartment with her new wife, Sandy, a businesswoman.  She and Sandy met at their previous apartment building where their loved developed in the community hot tub.  It didn’t take long before they were engaged and some glitch in the game made it so Sandy never left her apartment again, until Lilia moved and called her on the phone to invite her over to her new place.  Then they got married, in the driveway. Several hours later, they called the adoption agency to acquire a child  The following morning  they missed the delivery of their new baby because Sandy was at work and Lilia forgot and went for a jog.  The agency will no longer take their calls.

Before you bother to comment, let me just say: Yes, I realize everyone in this game is pretty much gay.  That’s what happens when you put things in the hands of two lesbians.  Have you learned nothing from the Republicans?

Next time I’ll tell you about our friend Carrie, how she keeps getting fired, had to move to a trailer park and is in love with a vampire who refuses to come over and “woohoo” with her.


  1. E's Mom
    January 28, 2009

    Wait – what?! Although, not too far from the truth…

  2. heathen
    January 28, 2009

    Don’t worry – we’re going to turn things around!

  3. January 30, 2009

    I guess this is probably better than couples counselling, especially in light of recent discoveries regarding Dr. Phil

  4. Ali
    February 6, 2009

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read – by a long way.

    Give up the day job. Your writing is brilliant.

  5. heathen
    February 6, 2009

    Thanks, Ali! 🙂

  6. February 6, 2009

    this is much better than desperate housewives or grey’s anatomy, give us more!

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