Number 14
I recently had a few conversations with several people about the process of coming out and what a difficult process it is. It’s something that people who don’t go through it can’t fully understand. There is an emotional torment in both coming to terms with it as a gay person and then coming out and dealing with the varied reactions of the people in your life. It’s a bond we share, as gay homosexuals, even more significant than that whole Gay Agenda (lovingly spelled out for you non-believers by our friends at backlist).
When I was coming out, I had the benefit of therapy. My therapist and I had long, arduous talks about what it would be like to say it to my parents, what to expect from them, how it should happen, why haven’t you done it yet, come on already we’ve been talking about this for two years now, just do it, please, GET OUT AND DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU ARE GAY, MOTHERFUCKER! There were some role plays that were awkward. In the end, I just practiced on my cats and Janie. I’d come home and tell Harlow that her mother was gay, but it would all be okay because Janie was still a good person. Sometimes I’d tell Janie how she should react so I could prepare myself for certain situations:
If I had the time and energy, I’d set up some sort of gay hotline for people coming out. A hotline where people could come out to strangers until they felt comfortable saying it. There would be options for how the operators would react: Press one for indifference, press 2 for hellfire and brimstone, press 3 for we knew all along and we just need some time to adjust, press 4 for your confused grandmother.
The hardest part of coming out was finally admitting to myself that I was gay. It took a very, very, very long time to wander down that path, from the first moment I realized something felt a little different to when I first let the truth take over my heart and in my head I heard a voice saying, You know what? You’re so gay. Up until that point I’d been contemplating the thought and then eagerly pushing it away, like it was a ridiculous notion that I would be GAY. Seriously? No way. When I wasn’t able to do that anymore, I was horrified, terrified and traumatized completely. I was taking a shower and it suddenly hit me, like a punch to the gut, and I started heaving and crying and I collapsed on the shower floor and sobbed for several minutes. After that, it was a slow process of picking myself up, accepting myself and moving away from a world where I’d been taught that being gay meant I was a sick and disgusting person. That was a challenge, a long road filled with self-sabotage, fear of losing everything and everyone I loved and super exciting Catholic guilt. I was very lucky to have friends that supported me, that let me know what I was still the same person in their eyes and, later, a wonderfully loving and supportive family. All gays should be so lucky.
The second hardest part of coming out was adjusting to a life without manipulating the truth in some way. I had gotten so used to explaining away the things that might give people a clue that it was a shock to realize I had the freedom to be honest with everyone for the first time in a very, very long time. It was an adjustment to walk into my parents house with Janie and know that everyone finally knew the truth, that I loved her and she loved me and it was a beautiful thing. For several months I wouldn’t kiss her or hold her hand in front of my family because I just didn’t quite understand that it would be okay, that they understood. Freedom takes some getting used to.
But look at me now, talking to the Internet about my wife and god, seriously, when will she take off her shirt already?
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i love this very much. i’m always impressed when you open up that door just a wee bit and share your inner self.
i often forget what a huge transition it is for some people, as you said if you haven’t walked that road than it’s really hard to imagine what it would be like. i’m glad you share this, i know people can benefit your experience.
the closest thing i can compare is being a recovering alcoholic, people will act as if it’s not a big deal and then judge me privately, or act differently around me once they find out.
i’m proud of you. (i hope that doesn’t come off as condescending, i see your experience as a triumph, to speak your truth when so many others could (or can) not.)
Thanks, Leah. :)
I have such a comical/embarassing coming out story that I never got to expreience the crushing deliberation over saying something or not. In fact, telling my parents I was gay was the only thing I could think of to say after they …found…my…vibrator…on…the…living…
room…couch…during…jeopardy.
This is good.
All I can say is that I hope you can remember the courage and bravery this took when/if other things in life terrify you. I suspect that sound terribly preachy/self helpy but I’m simply in awe.
And the video is hilarious.
Oh my god, Meredith. That is hilarious. HILARIOUS.
Thanks, Laura. It’s not preachy, it’s great advice. :)
I never really had a coming out story; people either just knew I was gay or figured it out pretty quick. My parents were talking to me about bisexuality and such when I was 12, so they must have had a clue early on. But this weekend, I came out to my grandfather, and I was surprised by how hard it was! My hands were shaking when I sent that email, and I don’t even see him but once every two years. I now have a sense of the anxiety and fear that Linsey felt about telling her parents. I have always been, and always will be, very very proud of her. She’s a strong lady.
We may have to talk about how I’m always featured in my underwear in her films, though…
Janie and I have the same question. Why is she always in her underwear in these films? She might be cold. How about a blanket close by? How about some snuggling to warm her up?
There are only so many options. This makes it easier to distinguish the two of us. But give me some credit, I DID give her sunglasses this time.
All I can say is that I didn’t really know or not know. It didn’t blow me out of the water to find out, but I guess I never really thought about it either which way. You were always just Linsey, the subordinate who I would make drive me home after work so I could get drunk sooner rather than later. After all these years I’m super glad that you are my friend no matter if Janie takes her shirt of for you or not.
I’m thinking it might be a little like when I had to tell my parents that I wouldn’t be accepting Jesus Christ as my personal savior afterall. Eventually they resigned themselves to the fact that I would be burning in hell for all eternity, but before that there was a lot of shunning and yelling and visits from the pastor and crying and out-of-the-house kicking and stuff.
ah, yes, XUP. YES.
When i get older, and have kids, they can turn the tables on me and become Republican Christians. Then I’ll get my chance.
I really can’t imagine coming out or the experience of it. The republican christians who are my parents would die. Absolutely die! I can almost laugh trying to picture it. The fact that I am married and have kids would make it a bajillion times worse as well! Good lord…
Wow. very touching. I recently re-started the X365 theme and came upon your site looking for others doing the X365 thing.
this was more than I expected and I’m so glad I found you.
Do you know about http://www.myjourneyout.com/ seems like you would like it (though he recently stopped writing)
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