Dear Dana and Judy

Greetings to you between-holiday cleansers. I got your emails inquiring about the cleanse, if we were cleansing and how it was going. Well, I have something to say about this motherfucking cleanse.

I was amped up to start this thing again, to go from Thanksgiving to Christmas eating vegan deliciousness, feeling good about myself while having unspeakable things happening in my bottom system. It was for health. FOR HEALTH! So we gobbled up our turkey and stuffed our faces with sugary yams on Thanksgiving and prepared to eat vegetables and tofu for several weeks after, except for holiday parties and December 13th, Cookie Baking Day (Note to Dana, mark you calendar and this time don’t leave early OR ELSE. You don’t want to know what I have planned for those who depart Cooking Baking Day early, two years in a row. YE BE WARNED!) So there we were, the morning of our cleanse, at my sister’s house (for the dog sitting). We didn’t eat anything until early afternoon, when we finally made it home to check on the cats and begin our bedroom renovation from hell. Janie put the hash browns on and I suited up in my painting clothes. Then, quite rapidly, I lost it. LOST IT. Something happened, I can’t remember exactly what. I think Janie dropped a light bulb and then asked me to stir the hash browns while she cleaned it up. Then one of our lamps broke. FOR NO REASON. Except that Janie touched it and Janie often breaks things that are electric just by touching them, or looking at them, or being in the same room as them. It’s an interesting and maddening phenomenon that has costs us much money and sanity over the years. Anyhow, it doesn’t take much for me to lose it, especially considering the fact that my insides were coming on my outside, if you know what I mean.

Do you know what makes for one of the worst days ever? Painting your bedroom with three cats running batshitcrazy all over the place, trying to dog sit for a yorkie/jack russel mix who is, on his best day, clinically insane and will not eat his food unless you hand feed him, piece by piece, on the couch, and a diabetic black lab who can’t see and needs a shot twice a day and constantly begs for biscuits or french fries or chips or peas or whatever you have on your plate right there. Then there is the fact that the insides are coming on the outside of two ladies gay who had only 6 hours of good sleep in two days because said dogs keep waking up in the wee hours to go outside, and then imagine one of those ladies dropped a motherfucking light bulb and asks the other to stir the hash browns while she is selfish enough to clean the glass form the bedroom floor (CAN YOU IMAGINE!?). Maybe a lamp breaks for no reason, just to make things even worse. HOW DO YOU HOLD YOUR SHIT TOGETHER IN THIS SITUATION? I’ll tell you. You quit that god damn cleanse and you eat some cake.

Then you eat a cheese enchilada and drink a Pepsi.

So, no. At this time there is no cleanse. There is only bad dog breath, very bad cats rubbing on newly painted walls, broken lamps, lack of sleep, some disgusting snotty bullshit in my right nostril that will not go away, cramps, fights over who used the last toilet paper and why, GOD WHY!? did Janie just put that empty container of milk back in the fridge? and endless amounts of painting, two gay ladies chewing on Midol by the handful and cake. Lots of cake.

I’m sorry. I’ll try again on Monday, when things settle down and I’m not sitting at work, contemplating suicide as an alternative to living out the rest of the week. But I’m here for you, if you need me. I’ll send you vegan recipes and tell you how great you’re doing on the cleanse, and how it makes your skin glow and your eyes light up just so. I’m proud of you, cleanse team squealer.




  1. Robin O
    December 2, 2008

    I think the cleanse is destined to provoke some form of insanity.

    I think to decide to include more fresh/raw/vegan/high nutrient/skin-glow-y/colon cleanse-y items in your regular day-to-day non-deprivation diet, and then actually do that, now that’s a great thing.

    But I think you might be better off just doing that, in general. Just, you know . . . as that is possible.

    And then if sometimes you gotta have a cheese enchilada, there’s no point in feeling bad about that. Just plan to have a salad later. See? Now you’re good.

  2. heathen
    December 2, 2008

    You’re absolutely right. That’s the sensible thing to do. But what you don’t understand is that I have no sense when it comes to shoving cake and enchiladas in my face. there is no room for salads and these “nutrients” you speak of.

  3. December 2, 2008

    nutrients? I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that ingredient. Does it come in cake?

  4. heathen
    December 3, 2008

    Carrot cake has, well, carrots. those have nutritional value.

  5. December 3, 2008

    I’m with Robin — this cleanse business didn’t go so well last time and the holidays/dog sitting/renovating times are not ideal for beginning things that deprive your body of happiness. Everything in moderation. What you really need is a lifestyle overhaul. Eat well all the time so you don’t need to to crazy stuff like this. Then just indulge in crap once in a while when you’re all stressed out like now.

  6. heathen
    December 3, 2008

    Yes. It’s true. SO TRUE.

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