Tips on voting this Tuesday, November 4th

by a Dixon Ticonderoga #2 Pencil

Do you remember the days when ballots and test forms were filled out with your old pal, #2? Don’t be gross, I’m talking pencils here! Well, that time has come and gone and most election offices around the nation have people filling their choices in with ballpoint pens, checking their candidates off through a touch-screen or punching chads like a motherfucker. Well, times certainly have changed and technology has passed by your old pal, #2. But I don’t want you to think I’ve gone and disappeared completely. On no! I’m here, in your junk drawer, way in the back with some paperclips and a dried up blueberry, ready to give you some tips for those of you heading off to the polls tomorrow.

First off, I commend you for waiting, for experiencing a very democratic day in all it’s glory, instead of sending in those absentee ballots or participating in “early voting.” I’m old fashioned, as we all know, and I don’t think a vote counts unless it was made at the polls on November 4th. Unless that vote is for Barack Obama, in which case it counts whenever and sometimes maybe twice because if batshitcrazy McCain wins we’re all fucked.

As you may or may not know, I am America’s #1 pencil! Just like Barack Obama is America’s #1 candidate. But don’t let the fact that I am America’s #1 pencil confuse you because I’m also a #2! A #2 is a #1 when it comes to pencils, but a #2 isn’t a #1 when it comes to candidates. You know what I’m trying to say – VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA, MOTHERFUCKERS! JOHN MCCAIN WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY AND POOP THEM OUT ON YOUR CAR SEAT! #2 WILL #2 IN YOUR CAR AND THAT’S NOT THE KIND OF CHANGE AMERICA NEEDS!

Much like John McCain, I was first introduced in 1913. ‘The Joseph Dixon Crucible Company wanted a name that represented “a fine American name for a fine American pencil.” They named the pencil Ticonderoga after Fort Ticonderoga, a military post in New York.’ Well, as America’s leading pencil, as your pencil, I strongly encourage you to choose a fine American name for a fine American president, Barack Obama. Because John McCain? That sounds like he was made in China and I’m not picking on Chinese manufacturing, but I once got a pencil sharpener that was made in China and I’ll be damned if it didn’t break after the first day. John McCain is old, older than that sharpener I had that broke after a day and if he breaks, well, I don’t think I have to tell you what an uncomfortable disaster an unexpected #3 is. Especially when you’re stuck in a car wash.

Vote the shit out of November 4th!

Sincerely,

America’s #1 #2 Pencil, Dixon Ticonderoga

3 Comments

  1. November 4, 2008

    You’ve totally convinced me! I’m rushing right out and voting for the pencil. The pencil rules! Along with his running mate, the ruler, of course, who really rules. Whoooo-hooo!!

  2. heathen
    November 4, 2008

    don’t forget the moral compass!

  3. LiizzieLou
    November 4, 2008

    Dear Mr. Ticonderoga,

    thank you for your sage advice. I support you. I will not stick you places you have no right to be nor let the kittens chew on you. Go #1!

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