Dear Sarah Palin

I know that things up there in Wasilla must be a real drag, compared to the glitz and glamor of a national election. You had hoped to be sitting in the White House a few months from now, biding your time, serving John McCain rat poison and waiting for your chance at world domination. I know it is difficult to go back to shooting animals from helicopters, taking care of your many children and shopping at consignment stores. It has to be a real let down to no longer see Tina Fey playing you on television or having thousands of people gather and yell KILL HIM! at your rallies.

I heard that you’re praying for God’s help in deciding whether you’ll make a run for president in 2012. Well, I’m going to guess that you’ll hear God telling you real soon that this is a good idea and I’m here to help you get started. Why would I help you? Because as frustrating as it is that nearly half the population of this nation saw you on the ticket and voted for McCain anyway, it was still nice to see a woman back in the big game. Hilary would have been better, but you were easier to make fun of, so it’s a wash.

Here are some ideas for your 2012

Palin/Palin 2012

Yes, you and Todd run together! You can have a family values campaign and you can keep the homey-ness that you seemed so intent on bringing to the nation over these past months. You betcha! *Wink* You just tell those Republicans that Palin/Palin are regular people just like you! We have five kids! We don’t have a nanny and that’s why, with your donations, our children will travel the nation in this circus and we’ll all dress in clothes from Neiman Marcus! Once you move into the White House with your soaring brood, can’t nobody tell you what to do!  You can field dress a moose on the front lawn if you damn well feel like it.

Palin/Witch Doctor 2012

I think I speak for a large portion of superstitious and some batshitcrazy Americans when I say that no one would dare vote against a witch doctor in any election.  Did you see that movie Beetlejuice, how in that scene at the end, in the waiting room in the afterlife the witch doctor sprinkled powder on Bettlejuice’s head and shrunk it real tiny?  Well, I think that’s your best campaign ad right there, Sarah.  IN JESUS NAME! can be your campaign slogan.

PALIN 2012

Just you. You don’t need anyone else. And you let them know that your safety net is that once your elected you’re gonna arm every nuclear weapon you can get your hands on and you’ll spend the next years with a live trigger in your grasp and if anything untoward should happen to you, once you lose your grasp on that trigger, it won’t matter whose next in line because there will be nothing left of this nation or planet. PALIN 2012. OR ELSE.

I hope these suggestions are helpful.  I know that 2012 isn’t that far away, politically.  You’re probably studying really hard right now, memorizing all those countries, heads of state, policies, states and capitols.  I’m sure you’ve already got a lengthy list of people you’ll have shot for turning on you after this past election.  Well, I can’t say I’ll be cheering for you, I can’t say I’ll vote for you but you may very well succeed in turning me to God, to whom I’ll pray that someone like you is never given an opportunity to lead this great nation.  IN JESUS NAME, AMEN.

Sincerely,

Linsey