What it’s going to take to get my vote: a note to John McCain and Sarah Palin

We’re two debates and many months into this election now and I’d like to tell you that the door isn’t completely shut on wooing my vote. I was originally in this for Hilary because I liked her, I believed in her and because my boss gave me a flier with her face on it. A vote for Hillary equaled a vote for job security!

That’s how you work the people, McCain/Palin. That’s how you get me in your pocket.

Okay, that’s not really true. My job was not threatened, and I knew I could vote for anyone I wanted and not need to justify my beliefs to the people that sign my paycheck. That’s only one of many reasons I enjoy my employment. Also, free nuts and all the water I can drink.

Let’s get serious, you two. There are a few things I would accept in exchange for my vote. I’m not in love with Obama, I like him better than either of you or both of you combined, but I’m not married to him. I could be swayed. There is an umbrella category of things that could win me over and I’d be happy to share that with you. What you do with that information is up to you.

Baked Goods

If you wanted to, say, offer me 4 years worth of cupcakes (not chocolate), I would be convinced to vote for you.  We can renegotiate after your term is up, when I can evaluate your work and decide if the job you’re doing is worth it enough to lower my standards and vote for an impaired geriatric and a raving lunatic.

I might also be willing to consider 4 years worth of donuts, boysenberry pie, chocolate milkshakes or the ability to send up to 48 people of my choosing to Guantanamo or a comparable location.  To be fair, I will agree that neither of you can be designated as one of my 48 enemy combatants.

I think we can work out a deal here.  I know you need my vote up here in the PNW.  The latest Rasmussen report has Obama besting you by 10 points.  Wouldn’t you love to see those 10 points disappear?  I bet you would, and you don’t need to produce pricey commercials or spend thousands of dollars campaigning around here when you could just give me a monthly shopping spree at Target coupled with a brand new iPhone.  It would be so easy!  I can name thousands more like me who would be willing to sell their soul for next to nothing.  It’s not too late.  You can reach me by clicking on that “contact” link near the top of this page.

I await your response.


  1. October 3, 2008

    don’t you want a pony too?

  2. heathen
    October 3, 2008

    no, no – the pony is what they’ll need to give Janie. I’m sure she’d fold for a mini horse, if need be.

  3. October 4, 2008

    Would I vote for McCain/Pallin for an iPhone? If it came with the service plan, that might be too much for my poor morals. However, at last check Obama/Biden have more money. Would they need to spend it? Picture Pallin at your door, iPhone at hand next to Biden with a (not chocolate) cupcake. Who seems more warm and inviting?

  4. October 4, 2008

    Biden seems trustworthy enough not to poison your non-chocolate cupcake. I can’t say the same for Sarah “Winky” Palin.

  5. October 4, 2008

    I’m shattered that you’d whore yourself for sweet, sugary treats. You should at least insist on a refreshing beverages to accompany each. At least.

  6. heathen
    October 4, 2008

    XUP, you’re right. maybe I should insist on juice to accompany my cupcakes.

  7. October 6, 2008

    Juice at the very least. I think you could actually hold out for cocoa or even a hot toddy.

  8. heathen
    October 6, 2008

    oooh, a hot toddy. i like that!

Comments are closed.