Many years ago, when I was working at a Blockbuster Music store and denying that I was gay, I developed my first and only real celebrity crush.
As part of the store’s marketing program, we’d play a loop of several videos to promote a recently released album. When I first started, we were promoting an album called “Just the Same” by Terri Clark. I had never been into country music save for that one song by Reba McEntire, so I’d never heard of this singer before. The videos didn’t play the corresponding music in the store, instead we’d pick albums to shuffle over the system. I would sit for hours watching Terri Clark’s Poor, Poor Pitiful Me video, smitten. I’d play her album so that I could flip through the liner notes and look at the photos. I bought every album she had to that point and many in the years after. I own a video collection of her earliest songs, but that was after I started taping them off of CMT.
Listen, people, I know this is weird and nerdy and borderline crazy, but Terri Clark is HOT.
Janie has always been well aware of my Terri Clark affinity and she’s accepted it. I don’t have a list of five celebrities I get a free pass with, I have a list of one, sometimes two if Lucy Lawless switches back to her dark hair. That list is and will always be Terri Clark, except for those dark days from late 2005 to early 2007, when she married her tour manager and it was vacant.
I’m not the type of person to have a celebrity or other crush and dream of doing all sorts of salacious things with the object of my affection. I subscribe to the Rosie O’Donnell/Tom Cruise school of crushes where I really just prefer that maybe Terri Clark come on over to our house and keep me company, maybe make me a sandwich.
I recently read that Terri Clark moved to Vancouver Island and this was a new selling point to my oft-threatened expatriation to Canada if John McCain and Sarah Palin win this election. I threatened the same with George Bush and the two elections he won, but this time things are serious, and this time I could be living next door to the celebrity crush of my dreams. Last week, I had to inform Janie of Terri’s whereabouts because, above all else, I need Janie to know that when all is said and done, if Terri Clark decides she’s gay and she comes to our doorstep looking for a lesbian to make a turkey sandwich for, I’m going to have to let that person be me:
Oh, Janie. *sigh…long, awkward silence* I’ve been thinking a lot about Terri Clark.
Yeah. You know, I…I just love her!
I bet you do.
And you know, she lives on Vancouver Island now, so if we move to Vancouver there’s a chance she might ask me to marry her.
I already told you, if Terri Clark buys me a ranch and ponies , then you can go off and live with her. I just want those ponies.
Wow, you’re really not taking this well, are you. I’m telling you that if we move to Canada, where it is LEGAL for her to become my WIFE and if she comes knocking, I’m going to have to accept. I know this is hard. Try to control yourself.
Okay, BYE. Get me my ranch and she can have you!