I know you might still be sore at me for attempting to caucus for Hillary a few months back, but I was weak. I wanted a woman in the White House! But now that I see what kind of undereducated, inexperienced, crazy-talking Evangelican Christian woman the Republicans are trying to back door into the Oval Office, I’m in your corner. Also, John McCain, should he survive – and rumor has it that those fervent and über-religious Palin lovers are praying hard that he doesn’t last much past January 21st – is going to fuck us all if he’s elected. We’ll be even more fucked than we have been with that retarded cowboy as president. WE’RE TOTALLY FUCKED IF YOU DON’T WIN and that’s enough for me to tell you that I love you and I want to help you get elected.
I don’t have a lot of money to donate, and I’m not too politically savvy so I can’t advise you on policy, but I can and I will let you know what needs to be done in order to reach out to those critical undecided voters.
Enough with these little ads where you poke at McCain or flick his ear. I need you to get serious and dig in. I want to see ads where you’re cold-cocking him with your left jab. Bob and weave and give him a one-two punch! I want to see commercials about how yeah, god damn it, you did call Sarah Palin a pig because that’s what she looks like under all that pork she ordered from Washington. And instead of ending your ads with “I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message,” you pop on the screen and yell, “YEAH, I SAID IT!” and you cackle like there’s no tomorrow.
Next you show that picture of McCain hugging Bush like he’s a long lost lover and you just let it sit there on the screen for 20 seconds before you come on and say “THIS MAN HUGS LIKE A GIRL! OBAMA ’08!” Then offer every American who donates $25 dollars or more to your campaign a gift certificate to Applebee’s for a free Pick’N Pair lunch combo.
During the debates this month, you should tell John McCain that you’ll agree to those stupid town hall meetings he’s been crying about as long as he’ll agree to a cage fight. If he says no, you look into that television camera and you let the American public know – “John McCain can’t save you from terrorists if he won’t even face me in a cage fight! He’s soft on terrorism and soft in his pants, if you know what I mean!” And then you pull out a bottle of Viagra from behind his ear, open it up and sprinkle it over the top of his head while singing “Its Raining Men.”
Also, you should get the Daily Show and SNL staff writers on your team and come up with some sketch comedy. AMERICANS LOVE SKETCH COMEDY, Mr. Obama! They don’t want a person who makes reasonable demands and speaks intellectually about important subjects like the failing economy, they want to be entertained by five minute skits about Sarah Palin’s view of Russia and how she’s wheeling and dealing across the Pacific Ocean with Putin right now, as we speak. Let us listen in as Governor Palin puts Pooty-Poot on notice by yelling through a bullhorn to that slice of uninhabited land in Russia, “PUTIN CAN YOU HEAR ME!? STAY OUT OF GEORGIA! IF YOU WANT PEACHES, I’LL SEND YO A CRATE, YOU DON’T NEED TO INVADE US! ALSO, HOW DID YOU GET OVER HERE WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING?”
You can’t let up. You have to be spiteful and vindictive and, if necessary, you just lie. It works for the Republicans, why not us? Embrace their understanding of the American people – if you say it on TV, especially over and over, it’s true! Palin hated that Bridge to Nowhere even before anyone ever thought of it!? Yes! They said it as least 12 times on live television so it has to be true! You have to hit back and hit hard – Maybe John McCain is Sarah’s biological father and he chose her as his running mate so they could make up for lost time. Cindy McCain didn’t hurt her wrist vigorously shaking hands with supporters, she wore that cast to hide her stolen pain pills! You can here them rattling around in there like Skittles! JOHN MCCAIN HATES KITTIES, PUPPIES, BABIES AND NASCAR! Make it up if you need to because if you say it to the public, they’ll eat it up faster than McCain and his wife can gobble up their combined weight in Vicodin.
Just give it some thought. I’ve got your back.
Also, you’re wife’s hot. Just sayin’.