A Guest Column on the Firing of Raider’s Head Coach Lane Kiffin

by a Kitchenaid Hand Mixer

Oakland Raider’s leather-faced, septuagenarian owner Al Davis fired second-year coach Lane Kiffin, the youngest head coach in NFL history, after only four games.  A year’s worth of rumors were confirmed in a press conference held by Davis, who read a three-page statement under the bright light of a desk lamp.

What Davis did not say during the press conference was that my design features a “powerful motor…and non-tip heel rests to help you achieve the most professional results.”  My accessories are dishwasher safe, allowing quick and easy cleanup after use.

Lane Kiffin, now that he has some free time on his hands, can whip up a cake in no time with my powerful turbo button, allowing extra air to lighten the batter for a springy and moist bundt or layer cake.  I come in a variety of colors, but Kiffin might want to lay off the Raiders black until the situation cools off.  How about a nice pink or clementine colored mixer, Mr. Kiffin?

During his press conference, Al Davis shared his thoughts about Coach Kiffin, repeatedly calling him a liar, once referring to him as a “professional liar.”  In the last several years, Raider Nation has witnessed the arrival and departure of a number of coaches as the team struggled and Davis became increasingly more insane.  Davis has been unable to use his micromanaging influence to build a better team and his ego will not allow him to let go enough for a coach to do the job he is there to do.  Maybe Al Davis needs to grab hold of my comfort-designed handles to make a nice souffle or meringue for a pie as a way to let go and let God for the sake of his players and remaining coaches.  He’ll be happy to know that I come with a one-year warranty, so if he’s unsatisfied with my performance, he can return me for a new one, no questions asked.  You can’t do that with a NFL coaching contract Al, can you?

The Raiders interim coach is offensive-coordinator Tom Cable.  Kiffin might be in line for a coaching position at Syracuse.  Al Davis will still be tearing the guts out of Raider Nation with his batchitcrazy decision-making.  I can be found at your local Macy’s or other fine retail establishments.

[inspired by]

2 Comments

  1. October 2, 2008

    Oh my god this made me giggle. and since im supposed to be asleep i had to do it quietly 😉

  2. heathen
    October 2, 2008

    why, thank you. 🙂

Comments are closed.