by a Kitchenaid Hand Mixer

Oakland Raider’s leather-faced, septuagenarian owner Al Davis fired second-year coach Lane Kiffin, the youngest head coach in NFL history, after only four games.  A year’s worth of rumors were confirmed in a press conference held by Davis, who read a three-page statement under the bright light of a desk lamp.
What Davis did not say during the press conference was that my design features a “powerful motor…and non-tip heel rests to help you achieve the most professional results.”  My accessories are dishwasher safe, allowing quick and easy …

You were one of the only guys I’ve ever had a crush on.  I liked your lisp, football player physique and rosy cheeks.  I think you moved to Ohio?  Iowa?  Somewhere farther than I’d have preferred, seeing as how I was trying to woo you.  We had fun in D.C.

Now that I am experienced in removing massive quantities of small tiles from a shower, I feel compelled to offer tips to the next unsuspecting fool who believes a project of this nature will be a piece of cake.

1. Wear shoes
Granted, this should be completely obvious when you have tiny shards of tile crumbling to the ground all around you. I should have known better, but I was just getting started and I was excited. Learn from my mistakes.
2. Keep the first aid kit in an easily accessible …

Janie has long talked about how much she loves potato leek soup, but I had never made it before and neither had she.  I always thought it would be a long, labor intensive ordeal and I never made the effort to see if I was right.  I’m pretty lazy that way, I guess.
While we were at the fair last weekend we happened upon a booth selling gluten-free soups and dips.  Janie tried their potato soup and thought it was good enough to buy, so we picked up a package to …

We lived on the same horseshoe-shaped block, you at the bottom and I at the top.  Do you remember the time my mom called me home for dinner and you got upset, then pushed me down the stairs?  In seventh grade you pushed me down the escalator in Nordstrom. Rude!