A Midsummer Night’s Performance Review

Dear Janie,

I realize that when you started here, we promised yearly performance appraisals. I apologize that it has taken so long for us to complete your first full review lo, these six year later. I hope you’ll understand, we were quite busy watching Xena and Playing Madden ’02 through ’08. The good news there is that the Seahawks just can’t lose. The bad news is that no matter how many times we watch, Xena and Gabrielle never fully explore their friendship on screen, if you know what I mean.

WORK QUALITY:The reliability, accuracy and neatness of work produced:

Exceptional_____ Very Good_____ Good__X__ Acceptable_____ Unacceptable_____

I wish I had seen more improvement here from when we first started living together. We feel that you’re not taking your responsibility as my wife as seriously as you should. I believe it is the Holy Bible that tells us of how a wife should do her best in whatever tasks she is assigned. Sometimes I come home to find that you’ve left a dirty cup in the sink or while you were at work, a cat pooped in the litter box and you didn’t come home on your lunch hour to clean it up. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to bathe myself because you were “too sick” or “too tired” or “not a machine.” On several occasions you just swept the floor when it probably would have been a better idea to scrub it on your hands and knees. Remember those knee pads I got for your birthday last year? Give them a try, you’ll thank me. There have been some serious improvements in your work quality outside of housework. You’ve become a better listener, spending a good couple of hours each night listening while I talked about myself, though you do seem to struggle with that when COPS is on. Your accuracy in the bedroom is by far the biggest improvement. I’d like to see tighter hospital corners, but no one fluffs a pillow as well as you do.

WORK QUANTITY:The volume or amount of work turned out:

Exceptional_____ Very Good__X__ Good_____ Acceptable_____ Unacceptable_____

You have made significant progress in this area over the last two years. The only thing we’d like to see a vast improvement on is the amount of time you spend with your shirt off. We feel that you’ve been holding back and we don’t like it.

INITIATIVE: The combination of job interest, dedication and willingness to extend oneself to complete assigned tasks:

Exceptional_____ Very Good_____ Good__X__ Acceptable_____ Unacceptable_____

Maybe for once you should try taking your shirt of without being asked. Just sayin’. Overall it seems you still enjoy your work in this organization. You’ve initiated more cooking and cleaning. Sometimes you could extend yourself in the romance department, like bringing home flowers or making a candlelight dinner or taking me on that date you promised me four years ago. I’m still waiting for that to happen.

JUDGMENT: The ability to make well-reasoned, sound decisions which affect work performance:

Exceptional_____ Very Good_____ Good_____ Acceptable_____ Unacceptable__X__

I marked you unacceptable in this category for your knife skills in the kitchen. No matter how many times I tell you that you’re going to stab yourself or me at some point if you keep holding the knife in that ungodly matter, you keep it up. I’m thinking that your intent is to someday harm me and make it look like an unfortunate onion dicing incident. Poor judgment on your part, Janie, with the thoughts of murdering your wife. If you kill me, I’ll never, ever, ever speak to you again.

TEAMWORK: The working relationship established with fellow employees in the work environment:

Exceptional__X__ Very Good_____ Good_____ Acceptable_____ Unacceptable_____

You are the first person who has ever met my entire family and managed to find a way to appreciate them all, even that one guy. With the exception of that guy, they have all loved you back which is so important to me because I’m incredibly co-dependent. You’re so much a part of the family that my father pushes me out of the way to hug you and, for a daddy’s girl through and through, this should be more difficult for me than it is. Most of all I really love that he loves you enough to ignore his own flesh and blood. Perhaps most important is that you make the boss of this organization incredibly happy the majority of the time. I think you could develop a closer relationship with Carson. Gain her trust and learn to speak her language so that you can convey to her that if she doesn’t stop peeing in the hallway, we will be forced to make her watch while everyone but her eats dinner and takes turns drinking out of the bathroom faucet before we bury her alive.

DEPENDABILITY: The reliance which can be placed on an employee to persevere and carry through to completion any task assigned. This also applies to attendance and punctuality:

Exceptional_____ Very Good__X__ Good_____ Acceptable_____ Unacceptable_____

Your attendance and punctuality are spectacular, perhaps too spectacular because you’re always on me. I had to dock you for that because sometimes mama needs some “me time.” I know that I can rely on you to do the things that matter most like kiss my head when it hurts, hold my hand when I’m sad and to call me a whore when you’re tired of being sassed. When we’re spending Sunday afternoons cleaning the house, I know you’ll follow through on your chores even if it takes you until the following Sunday to fold that pile of laundry. You’re easily distracted by things like candy, Xena and a hot bath, but maybe one day I’ll learn to properly use those things as leverage to get you to pull those fucking weeds, already.

In summary, we find you to be a valuable part of the organization and we’d like to keep you on. In the next year we’re hoping to promote you to the vessel through which our child will be born. There will be tough times ahead in that pursuit, maybe some extra chores to prove you’re up to the task. I might ask you to do things like tell me a story at 3am, but that’s to prepare you for the long nights ahead when little Stephanie is sick with angina and she needs you to hold her while I get my requisite eight hours. You’ll be a great mother, I’m sure if it. But first things first, make me a sandwich.

5 Comments

  1. E's Mom
    August 20, 2008

    Heathen –

    As a minor stake-holder and co-founder of your company, I would like to contest the rating of UNCACCEPTABLE for Janie in the dimension of JUDGEMENT.

    Now I realize that you are concerned about the knife skills (let’s face it – who’s not?), but I do think that there is more than enough work experience Janie has brought to the table that sufficiently shows that she should at the very least be brought up to ACCEPTABE, maybe even GOOD. She doesn’t drink and drive (leaves that up to a real pro – me); she doesn’t set things on fire (leaves that to you, all hail the Queen Pyro); and she doesn’t scream obsenities out the drivers side window from the passenger seat at the drive-thru while on a 2AM TB run (we all know who did THAT).

    I find that overall, she thinks things through and although her knife skills leave much to be desired I do not believe that her performance should be downgraded for one small facet of her abilities (or lack there of).

    Please consider a review of my review of your review of Janie. Your response should be on form LG008-76-77, C. Please fill out in triplicate, with a carbon sheet in between the pages as we can no longer afford to have the forms created in triplicate. Be advised that forms not completed in blue ink may be returned.

    Thank You.

  2. heathen
    August 20, 2008

    you have been working for the government for far too long. time to think about a job change.

  3. August 20, 2008

    Awwwwwww – this is just too damn sweet. It almost made me cry and long for a wife of my own. I don’t know you or Janie and I’ve only been reading your blog for a short time but I want to come over and squeeze you both in a big (and little bit hurty) group hug.

  4. heathen
    August 20, 2008

    Everyone needs a wife of their own! They’re so handy. If we’re ever in Ottawa, we’ll give you a call or show up at your doorstep with outstretched arms, waiting for a good, tight squeeze.

  5. August 22, 2008

    i had to double check to be sure my husband wasn’t writing this. he thinks me taking off my shirt will end the war in iraq. and my god if it would i would bare IT ALL.

    i’ll say to him, “i hate you”. he’ll respond, “try taking your shirt off and see if that hating me changes”.

    another rocking post.

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