This past weekend I attended two separate parties, both of which were disturbing in very different ways.
Saturday night I went to an annual beach party that my sister and her friend throw each year, only this time it was at a house rather than the beach on account of the rain. Good work, Seattle! Way to represent with the bullshit 60 degrees in mid-August. One couple of questionable origin brought their young son. They did not bring any toys or books or a sippy cup filled with …

Oh man, I totally killed on my floor routine last night.
There is nothing in the world like rocking your floor routine on such a huge, International stage with speechless onlookers. I felt the stunned silence of billions of spectators the world over, watching as I tucked and rolled on that apparatus. It’s hard to describe. Adrenaline pumps so fast and furious that you hardly feel the taser.
My coaches found my choice of Dr. Dre’s Bitches Ain’t Shit as floor music objectionable, so I fired them in the …

I’m adding a new feature to the site today. It’s called “Ask a Heathen” and what happens is that someone asks a question and I answer it to the best of my ability. You can ask anything, but if you don’t ask something I’ll be forced to look into the Google searches for this site and answer some of those people’s burning inquiries. You may not want to have children nearby when that happens. Consider yourselves warned.
This week I volunteered to write a guest post for …

Oh, Cyndi Lauper, how I love you so…
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I’m told that tonight is National Night Out, that one evening each year when neighborhoods come together to eat macaroni salad and barbecue in the middle of the street. We don’t have much in the way of neighborhood unity where we live, because we’re surrounded mostly by apartments and other condominiums. We’re all tightly packed inside our buildings and we don’t socialize on weekends as we mow our lawns or trim the hedges. Most people near us don’t even have a balcony to stand on, so getting …