Dear Asshole Neighbor

Maybe you could try your hardest to be a decent neighbor and you and your little bitch friends could maybe shut the fuck up so that the rest of the neighborhood could get some sleep. I’ve been pretty kind over the weeks, putting up with a constant chorus of “Ooooooooohhhh” coming from your windows as you guys play your new Wii or whatever bullshit is going on over there. I’ve not said one word until now.

You know, ordinarily I wouldn’t say anything at all. I would keep quiet because I used to be young and I had a few parties in my day where the noise level was slightly above acceptable. You know what, though? Even when I was 20 years old and drunk off my ass, I had an idea that maybe my neighbors were irritated by all the noise, so I made sure to do my best to keep things to a minimum. I don’t know why a grown man and his friends can’t seem to do the same thing. I expected this of our old neighbors, that 17 year old jackass whose parents would leave him at home for the week. His friends would scream down the streets in their shiny little cars until someone angrier than me would tromp over there and tell them to shut the fuck up. I’ve seen you and you’re not 17 and you have no legitimate excuse for being such a classless piece of trash.

It’s 250 in the morning and I can sit on my porch and recount entire conversations. Yeah, your friend’s girlfriend left him. Your other friend tried to make him feel better by telling him he’s free; that he has no woman to answer to now. Well, you know what? I can see why. And maybe your girlfriend is out of town or maybe she left you, too, and that’s why you have so little sense as to shut the fuck up in the middle of the night. And maybe she packed your balls, too, the same balls that would give you the courage to tell your shit faced friends not to blast their car stereo at 2am.

If I didn’t have a wife who would yell at me for calling the police right now, I’d be on the horn filing a complaint as I type this, and I’d be sure to mention that noxious cloud of pot smoke wafting several building over and into our windows. I’m pretty sure all of our cats have contact highs now, which would explain why they’re sleeping right through this. I will get my revenge. Mark my words. Whether it involves knifing the tires of your Volkswagon van or throwing a brick through your window with this letter attached, just you know that you’ve been marked. I’m going to reach way back into my Italian heritage to find a curse, and when your little hairless dog gnaws off your penis in the middle of the night you’ll know that you never go in against a Sicilian when a good night’s sleep is on the line.

Fuck you, hard.



  1. July 27, 2008

    this reminds me of our upstairs neighbors who used to play their xbox racing games well into the night. I can’t count the number of times that I listened to repetitive techno over the whine of digital engines and screaming woooos at 3 and 4 am. We did call the cops once, only to have the noise resume a half hour later. eventually we resorted to banging on the ceiling with a broom handle, surprisingly, immature tactics worked the best – the noise lessoned. shitty neighbors suck. hope you’re feeling better.

  2. July 28, 2008

    Paintball. Yes get yourself a paintball gun and fire off a quick round from some secret place next time they get rowdy. It’s a lot of fun and the paint kind of stays with them.

  3. heathen
    July 28, 2008

    oh my god, that’s such a good idea.

  4. E's Mom
    July 28, 2008

    Again, I would totally have let you call SPD. In fact next time it happens call me and I’ll call them for you. Just like I’m gonna make that complaint for you on the crapping dogs. That’s how much I care about you.

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