25 Things About Janie That I Just Need to Accept Will Not Change

 

  1. When I send her emails with links and later ask if she read them, she sometimes says yes, but when I ask her questions or start a discussion about the content, it becomes quite clear that maybe she just read the title or the first line or looked at the picture or said to her work friends, “Look, another email from Linsey. Watch me delete it without even opening it.”
  2. Scissor toes
  3. She works in a library, so when she calls me from work, she speaks in hushed tones which, coupled with the shitty telephone system they have, render her inaudible. Despite my repeated requests to speak up, she will not talk louder and I only ever understand half of what she says.
  4. Janie will not ever stop pointing out library patrons as we walk/drive/pass by them on the street/in the grocery store/etc.
  5. She will always have an ailment and feel compelled to complain about it but will never, ever, EVER go to the doctor to try to resolve it. Instead she will fill my life with stories about her sore shoulder, her sore foot, her sore everything and go on and on about how sore it is, with the soreness.
  6. She will not ever apologize for the one time she held out her hand in an attempt to strike me, insisting that she was merely gesturing as she tried to make a point. Yeah, sure, because that gesture was to make the point about how she was gonna strike me.
  7. Janie will never admit how much she loves that every night I sing her to sleep with a rendition of “Close To You” by the Carpenters. She will always complain and say that she hates that song the most of any song in the entire world, even though it’s not true because neither Ani DiFranco, Sarah McLachlan nor Celine Dion sing it. But I can accept that she’ll always shriek and gnash her teeth and render her garments when I start up with that first verse, because she thinks she’s funny.
  8. She loses things. When she is frantically searching for a lost item, she will blame it on me, saying I must have moved it or thrown it away.
  9. She’ll probably always mock me for not remembering that an actor from a prior episode of Xena: Warrior Princess is playing a different character in another episode. I will also face ridicule for not knowing a minor character by name or knowing the titles of each episode and where it falls within the series. She thinks this is silly, but I think it means NERD ALERT!
  10. She will always forget things I ask her to do and insist I never asked in the first place. When I ask her to write it down so she’ll remember, she loses* the list. (*see number 8)
  11. She will not stop getting on me, for god’s sake. Not even when I am sick and I plead for her to maybe stay on her end of the couch for five minutes while I feel sorry for myself. She is my Janie; she doesn’t let go.
  12. Even when I say “plus one over whatever you say” she thinks she can outdo me by saying “plus one over that” which is so clearly impossible that it makes me insanely mad when she insists she can say it and that it makes sense.
  13. Janie brings out in me the annoying traits I inherited from my father, like when she eats watermelon, but doesn’t eat the part close to the rind, causing me to yell, “Don’t throw that away! There’s good melon on there!”
  14. For as much as Janie forgets, she also “misremembers.” She will insist that things happened when, in reality, they did not.
  15. Janie must have had it beaten into her when she was little that she must not ever, ever talk to strangers, because not only will she not call to order take-out, talk to the utility company about a mistake on our bill, schedule a doctor appointment or tell the neighbors to fix their god damn water feature that pours gallons of water down to our patio at 5am, but she will also not answer the phone for a caller ID number she does not recognize, even if it’s me calling from the gym to tell her that I rode that bicycle so hard that my legs fell off and I need a ride home.
  16. She eats or drinks or takes the last of everything, from that can of 7-up in the fridge or the caramel/chocolate bars to the final, precious tampon in the box when I need it most.
  17. Janie and I each have a desk, though mine has the computer atop it, so she spends more time at my desk than her own. Despite repeated requests and threatening notes crafted from cutout magazine letters, she refuses to keep her tea cups, cereal bowls and other detritus off of my area.
  18. All our carbonated beverages will be flat because she never closes them tight enough. She’s afraid she won’t be able to open them again when she’s desperate for a gin and tonic or a Shirley Temple, to take the edge off of a hard day of watching Xena.
  19. I don’t have any solid proof of this, but I am pretty sure that when I am in my most vulnerable state of a Simply Sleep induced slumber, she takes my pants off. There can be no other explanation as to how this happens between the time I fall asleep and the time I wake up, but there they are, every morning, crumpled up on the floor next to the bed.
  20. Whenever I’m in the middle of writing, in cleaning frenzy, daydreaming about Stephanie and Antonia from Top Chef making out or otherwise occupied by something important, she never fails to yell frantically for me to come and see “something.” When I come running, prepared with the nearest flip-flop for a spider-smashing emergency, she points out “that cat! Sleeping! Look at that cat! It’s sleeping! How cute is that cat with the sleeping!”
  21. She takes advantage of my tremendous gullibility by making statements like “There are giraffes in Yellowstone Park, and they only come out on special occasions.” And you know what? She sounds serious and so I believe her and, quit lying, you would too because she cunning. You don’t know! When it comes out of her mouth that shit sounds like it’s for real.
  22. All that god damn rap music, and not even the good stuff like ‘Pac and Biggy.
  23. I swear to the almighty Baby Jesus, if I have to see Cry Baby one more time I’m going to throw Harlow out the window.
  24. At some point Janie is going to need to make a trip to the emergency room and this is how it’ll happen: Janie, don’t hold the knife that way, you’re going to hurt yourself. Janie, I’m serious, don’t cut towards yourself because you’re going to get hurt if your hand slips. Janie, I’m serious. You’re going to cut your fucking arm off and I’m not going to be the one to take you to the emergency room because I’ve warned you several times not not to cut that way and the emergency room doctors are not going to care because they know, they know you’ve been warned. I told them. I warned them. I sent a letter and it’s in your file. That one. At the hospital. Where they keep that post-it note of the female sign plus female sign = NO MALE SEX. I’m serious, Janie! Don’t. Don’t do that. You stop cutting like that. Look, see…you’re bleeding. I told you so. Good luck dialing 911 with no arms. I’m going to bed.
  25. You know her shirt? It doesn’t come off, especially at the dinner table.

6 Comments

  1. E's Mom
    July 22, 2008

    #3 – Well if you’d rather switch positions with E, then I can point out to you all the dogs that I know and what offenses they or the stupid owner has committed and he can listen to Janie.

    #7 – You know, I love it too. It sounds so sweet and innocent when you sing it. Plus, I’m fairly sure you aren’t going to barf or stop eating and die after you sing it.

    #10 – Um, I don’t wanna start anything here but you BOTH are to blame on this one. I’ve seen it. I really have. So don’t hate on Janie. You wouldn’t like her when she’s mad (see #6)

    #19 – Oh if you only knew the truth…

    #23 – Hey you! Yeah you – the looker – with the Class A Sealed Beam Headlights!

    #24 – I’ve already agreed to take her, because contrary to your rant here I know you would hate it if she died. Or if you could be charged for her death by being there. You coudn’t handle jail.

    #25 – I know already! I’ve been told I don’t know how many times about how wonderful her breasts are. Just not sure E needs to see the Girls too. Ya know?

  2. LizzieLou
    July 22, 2008

    This would make for an interesting “meme,” no?

    I was disappointed to see that harlow-in-heat wasn’t sporting a similar topic.

    Knowing all the minor characters on Xena is a sign of a keen mind and universal lovableness. (Michael the Archangel was just on an episode of LOST I watched.)

  3. July 22, 2008

    I think Linsey forgot I have a website of my own when she composed this piece. Don’t worry. She’ll get her due.

  4. July 23, 2008

    Use #7 to solve #25 since singing Close to You makes her rend garments off her person. That’s all I have by way of advice. However, I would like to say that you’re a SAINT.. and absolute saint, as I’m sure you already know (Can we do Janie’s list of you next??)

  5. heathen
    July 23, 2008

    You see, Janie’s list would be short. It would say only one thing, which would be “Linsey is so loving and kind that there is nothing bad I could ever say about her, except that maybe she’s too perfect.”

  6. July 23, 2008

    Uh huh… Ri-i-i-i-i-i-ight. You keep on thinkin’ that, heathen.

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