Oprah’s 21 Day Cleanse: Day 17

I am happy to report that, today, I have no headaches, no stomach aches and no burning desire to just die, already!

Last week I may have overdosed on Excedrin Migraine and Ibuprofin in my repeated attempts to douse that burning, aching horror show in my head. I developed a wicked stomach ache that felt like maybe someone was inside my abdomen scrubbing my guts with a wire brush. I diagnosed myself, with the help of WebMD’s symptom checker, with gastritis. I stopped taking too many medications and I am feeling much better, thank you.

I would like to talk about Oprah and how she’s not even doing this fucking cleanse right. First of all, don’t we all want to fly a chef in to cook for us for the first two weeks of our cleanse and then maybe have him FedEx our meals to us while we party in Las Vegas. Seriously, Oprah? You can’t just take a taxi to Safeway and buy your own god damn MorningStar Sausages which aren’t even gluten free, you cheating whore? I mean, COME ON OPRAH WINFREY! FOR REALS!?

I guess I am talking about the same woman who doesn’t know how to pump gas, so what was I expecting?

Also, if Oprah can’t go for three weeks without a glass of wine, if she feels like she deserves wine and can’t wait three weeks, then Oprah is a drunk and needs to take her ass to Cirque Lodge to recover from her “exhaustion” or her “depression” or whatever celebrities are calling their addiction these days. Oprah, please – no one deserves a glass of wine, except maybe Jesus and only because he made it out of water and that’s some serious shit. But he’s not real, so therefor no one DESERVES wine, especially if they can’t go for three weeks without it because they need to celebrate their three month long vacation.

As an aside, I’d like to say that I like rich people like Oprah and her pal Donald Trump because they do ridiculous shit like send each other a dozen Mar-A-Lago key lime pies. Because clearly Oprah needs 12 pies, Donald Trump. For God’s sake – 12 pies? At least she gave them to her audience, those people she forces to sit through an episode with celebrated artists like Tina Turner while she tries to sing along to lyrics she seems to never have heard before deserve a piece of pie, at the very least. Of course, we have no proof that all 12 pies made it to them, because if I were Oprah I’d lock myself in my office and sit in the corner eating one of those things all by myself.

I bet that pie was delicious.


  1. E's Mom
    June 17, 2008

    Oprah is a cheater! Oprah is a cheater! Oh, and not a good role model. But we already knew that. I’m super proud of you, your Lady Friend, and Dana and Judy for sticking with it. Just think…you are only days away from a glorious feast. I’m with Janie though – plate FULL of baccon. MMmmmmm……..baccon.

  2. LizzieLou
    June 17, 2008

    You get a pie! You get a pie! You get a pie!

    She’s seriously losing it. AND she’s a total cheater. Shame on Oprah. Why is she torturing people like this? Is she drunk? or just drunk with power?

  3. Robin O
    June 19, 2008

    I actually find this a little disturbing. That Oprah is cheating. And that this cheater is such an American icon. I mean, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if she drinks wine, consumes gluten, or sits in a corner with a dozen key lime pies or whatever else she might feel like doing, I really couldn’t.

    But she’s all, Hello America!, you should not do these things, at least for 21 days, because it’s good for you and I said so . . . and then she doesn’t even keep on keepin’ on for a minimum of 3 weeks?

    That bears an unfortunate resemblance to the behavior of our most hypocritical and most often Republican politicians. No sex outside of marriage! (except for me and my 4 whores) No homosexuality! (except for me and that rent boy I was banging while high on meth) No drugs! (except for the previous and then most parties I’ve thrown with your tax dollars) Etc., etc., etc.

    I’ve never followed the antics of Oprah, but still, it sounds to me that if with all her money and resources and various assistants she can’t manage to follow her own program, I think she should be shutting the fuck up about it, at least until she works out some modifications that make it at least not too TOO terribly difficult for a BILLIONNAIRE to follow. Gah.

  4. heathen
    June 19, 2008

    I guess Oprah is a human being after all, maybe…perhaps? Not the way she talks about herself, but I think somewhere in there there’s a shred of average American humanity inside.

  5. Robin O
    June 19, 2008

    Awwww … wow. I really didn’t mean it like THAT, or like I’m imagining you thought I meant my comments.

    Again, not giving a rat’s ass if Oprah got some vices, even if them vices include gluten or what-the-f-ever.

    Oprah gets to be human, totally. As we all do, or should.

    The ethical “error” and/or the hypocrisy for ME enters in when someone acts “holier than thou” for supposedly NOT doing certain things . . . then . . . actually it turns out they WERE doing those things they told us (less exalted folk) to do all along.

    That’s all I’m sayin’, really. 🙂

  6. Robin O
    June 19, 2008

    to NOT do all along. Eh. Ack. 🙂

  7. heathen
    June 20, 2008

    I wasn’t necessarily directing that toward you for your comments – maybe more a comment on my own feeling of Oprah. 🙂

  8. June 24, 2008

    Oprah is and always has been totally full of shit, but she has such amazing marketing skills that she’s managed to convince zillions of people that she’s something special. She’s special at making tons of money. That’s all. Everything else is a scam.

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