Briefly

Delicious bacon…in a can. [via]

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I’m working on a redesign, which involves more than just picking out and uploading a new theme. It involves manipulating CSS and HTML and all that, which sounds smart, if you know what you’re doing, which I don’t. Hopefully, it’ll all work out and sometime soon you’ll see a new design here and you’ll think to yourself, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.” Why so hateful, Internets?

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Oprah’s 21 Day Cleanse: Day 3

This is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had. I have a raging headache that no overdose of ibuprofen or Excedrin has been able to rid me of. My sister thinks this should be called “The Third World Diet” because I can’t have anything but rice, practically. She suggested, for variety, I enjoy myself some dirt cookies. Janie has not yet told me to stop whining about this stupid cleanse (who could love such a stupid, stupid cleanse?) but she did beat me about the legs with her closed fists last night, which was rude. RUDE! Also, there are unspeakable things happening in my bottom system.

We have two friends joining us in this bullshit 21 day horror of horrors, Judy and Dana. Judy started one day earlier than Janie and I and we received an email update yesterday morning. Apparently, day one went well but on day two she ate a cheddar bratwurst at a barbecue for her mom’s birthday, but she didn’t have any alcohol or cake, so I guess that’s something. Something TOTALLY NOT FOLLOWING THE CLEANSE. Dana started her cleanse the day after ours and her update was just to let us know that her first day was the longest day ever recorded in history – it lasted 3,000 hours and all of them were filled with wanton thoughts of coffee. She’s decided to eat fish during the cleanse which is NOT REALLY A CLEANSE AT ALL because it involves things other than rice and dirt cookies. FUCK. This cleanse makes me lash out at the people I love. I’m sorry.

In closing, day three is going swimmingly, if swimmingly means I want to die.

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My parents were recently in Florida. They spent their first few nights in Ft. Lauderdale from which they phoned my sister to let her know they found themselves in the midst of a fetish convention. For ten minutes my sister received whispered updates from my mother about the scarcely clothed persons walking around them in the lobby. A man with assless pants. A man in nothing other than a leather thong. A man wearing a gas mask…”on his junk.” We do not know where she picked up that lingo. It must be all that rap music and the MTV.

6 Comments

  1. E's Mom
    June 3, 2008

    Dana too? No wonder I never heard from her yesterday…she was passed out on the floor of her office.

    Anyhow, Janie and I think it might be best for you two to stay away from me for the 21 days. I can’t seem to not want to offer you…sustinace! I had to apologize profusely for eating a yummy, delicious Italian Omlette from the Bay…in her car…with the windows rolled up so the smell would penetrate deep into the fibers of her cars seats. Then there was the Coffee Shake. I’m sorry. I…I want to have a SOLIDARITY SISTER! moment on this with y’all, but I just started Paula Deen’s memoirs and all the butter talk. I’m sorry. Call me when you regain conciousness though.

    As for your folks, sorry – I may have been the one to taint your mother. Either that, or it was your [redacted]. Not really sure.

  2. June 3, 2008

    I have to say that cleanse sounds quite torturous. Which makes me feel like i shouldn’t even bring up the bacon in a can. But really? Bacon in a can? I think I’ll stick with my bacon chocolate.

    Also, that phone call your sister got from your mom totally sounds like something my mom would do. Of course my mom likes to call me when they’re on vacation just to taunt me. “Hi, we’re in Hawaii at a beach restaurant sipping delicious cocktails. Oh, and it is 85 degrees! Bet you wish you were here, huh?”

  3. heathen
    June 3, 2008

    Oh my god, my mom called every day on their trip to tell me about the fun they were having, each time while I was at WORK, staring out at the clouds and rain. “Hi! We’re in Key West! It’s so hot and beautiful here! We’re eating key lime pie and it is so good!”

    Oh man, key lime pie sounds so good. I’d do the filthiest things to one if it was sitting in front of me just now.

  4. June 4, 2008

    I don’t understand why you only get to eat rice and dirt. Oprah sounds like she’s enjoying quite a delicious variety of foods. Also, FYI – the reality is your body regularly cleanses itself. It’s pretty efficient that way. Starving yourself of nutrients and enough calories for days and days just messes with your metabolism, leaving you packing on lots of fat when you start eating again. If you really want to do something good for your body then once or twice a year spend 3 – 7 days just cutting out a few of the more toxic things in your diet — preservatives, additives, processed foods.

  5. June 4, 2008

    Delurking. Hello!

    I think your current design works. I’ve been excited each month to see the new masthead. But I know well the itch to change themes.

    XUP gave some good advice—particularly the part about cutting out the bad stuff from your diet. I think processed foods (and McD’s 20-cows-in-1-burger burgers) are the worst of it.

    It’s at least been humorous to read about your journey!

  6. heathen
    June 4, 2008

    Thanks for the helpful advice – I can use it! IN part, I’m looking at the cleanse as an opportunity to eliminate certain foods from my diet for a time so that when it’s over I’ll be less inclined to crave them and, therefore, eat them in large and unhealthy quantities.

    I totally agree with the elimination of processed foods – which has been a large part of our lives since Janie was diagnosed with Celiac disease. I’ve slowly been eliminating high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils from what I eat. I think Oprah somewhere said that for her the cleanse is, more than anything else, about being a more conscious eater. I think that’s what I’m really looking for – to think long and hard about what I’m putting into my body and making sure that it’s worth it.

    I’ll be honest, I’ve had more than rice and dirt cookies. I’m eating plenty of tofu and rice noodles, lentils and tortilla chips. Last night we had vegetarian pho which was delicious. I should probably eat some vegetables, too.

    But man, what I wouldn’t do for a donut right about now. 🙂

    re: redesign – I was going to keep the design I have now (I’ve always really like it), and only add a second sidebar over on the left, but I couldn’t make it work properly and I’m not smart enough about all the scripts to make the changes I want. Also, the layout designer isn’t available to help me alter the code, which was my last hope. The new layout will be very similar , but will look cleaner and, I hope, allow me to put up better mastheads with a matching footer, etc.

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