Janie has a co-worker with a 4-month old puppy she needs to offload. The little guy is too much for her to handle and we were ready to swoop in and take him off her hands. He’s a purebred Papillon and the cutest little fucker you ever did see. The only stumbling blocks were the three kitties who run our house. We thought it would make good sense to have this puppy over for an evening with the cats before deciding on whether he’d make a good addition to our home. The co-owner of the puppy didn’t think it was a good idea to let this happen, that maybe he’d be too confused to come to a new home for a night and spend hours with three cats hissing at him and hitting him on the head. As much as I’d like to think we’d distract him with our loving hearts, peanut butter and vast library of dirty jokes, they remained unconvinced it was a good idea. We just needed to make a decision. Since they caught us in a rare moment of rational thinking, we had to pass. We couldn’t bring a dog into the house without giving the cats a chance to properly express their displeasure by peeing on every piece of furniture we own.
My sister and her husband considered making that snap decision because if anyone has a softer heart for tiny puppies who need homes than I do, it’s her. If there is anyone out there softer than she is, I don’t want to know you because you’re probably going to tell me about the dead cow rotting in my colon or you’ll throw red paint on me when I wear Ducati as a warm winter stole. Besides, I already know one like you. She works in my office and she gives me literature on the terrible things they do to pigs and turkeys. Delicious, delicious pigs and turkeys.
Well, my sister and brother-in-law were going to have to make a decision on the dog this evening because there was some couple trying to steal him from under us all and they wanted to pick him up tomorrow morning. My brother-in-law voiced that it was bad timing to be making such a big decision, because one of their dogs just had surgery. He was right, of course, but when he asked if making that decision made him a bad person my sister and I had no other choice but to tell him yes, but maybe deep inside his charred little heart there was a seedling of hope for him to become the soft, gentle animal lover who would have taken that dog home right away and dressed him in a pink frilly tutu. That was before he called the guy who cut him off a dickfaced cocksucker asshole motherfucking shitbag fucker cock whorebag fucking shithole and threatened to kill him and his family.