Carson is Harlow’s sister. She is affectionately known as Carson Carson or Missy Miss. She looks like she swallowed a basketball and sounds like she is on a regular diet of Marlboro reds and cheap whiskey. She is always hungry and always thirsty, but she doesn’t want anything other than her special diet cat food and water from that one faucet.
Carson’s hobbies include peeing outside of her box when she’s upset, ruining good furniture, scratching the carpet, pretending like we didn’t feed her five minutes ago, Interneting, sleeping and fixing up old cars. She doesn’t like you and yet she loves you at the same time. She must be a lesbian because she has all the feelings.
What I like best about Carson is that she has willpower and drive. Even when you say no, push her away, say no some more, ignore her, chase after her, scream no, cry no, beg her to stop, hog tie her and leave her in the freezer for hours she will always come back asking for more food. Even though she knows the answer is always going to be “NO,” she will carry on because this is who Carson is. She is hungry and she would like some of that food please morethanthat please and thank you givememoreandkeepitcoming.
In addition to being hungry, Carson is also not feeling very well. She has worms/a urinary tract infection/kitty acne/liver problems/the grumples. She requires the most care of all of our cats and the two of us combined. If Carson were a dog, she’d belong to my sister because my sister hosts all the dogs in the world who have any and all obscure medical conditions and some other stuff requiring expensive procedures and medicines. Since she’s a cat, though, she belongs to us and all your cats with maladies r belong to us. I’ve been waiting to use that reference for like 12 years.
Sometimes Carson tinkles on furniture and things not her littler box, like the futon we had once, the featherbed we had once, like the chair we had once, like all the floors we ever had, some pillows, and that one time on Janie’s desk and the things on it like her mom’s Pro-Robics hat and all of our bills for the month of September 2006. We spend a lot of money on special mixtures of things that make other things not smell like cat pee when it has been peed on by a cat. Sometimes she also poops in bad places, like under the desk, in the piles of laundry waiting to be washed and my bath towel. She does this all because she is mean and spiteful and because she can, sort of like why Tyra Banks has a talk show.
Carson is an excellent cuddler, but on her own time. She will suddenly decide that yes, now is the time I must be on you and you must look at me and pet me and hold me while I purr and drool. It is these times that I remember why she is still allowed to live with us and why we will never give her away, not even when she’s dead. She is warm and soft and beautiful, even when she accidentally scratched off all her eyebrows and some tufts of hair from her ears. As much as you want to hate this 18 pound cat with sharp claws and a really shitty attitude, you know that no one and nothing in this world will make you feel as loved as she does for those 10 precious minutes every night while you are trying to check your email.