It has been some time since I’ve written you back and so I thought I’d post my response here, on the Internet, for all to see my shame at being a terrible corresponder. My friend Kristiina called me on Valentine’s Day and I promised to call her back. I’m still planning on it. I have a note somewhere to remind me. I just get behind on account of the working and the sleeping and the video games. I’m sorry about the late reply, that’s all I’m saying.
So, I was right. That thing I found dangling out of Carson’s ass was a worm. Janie took her to the vet with a “sample” which, I’m happy to report, was not left in a pile of our laundry as Janie had planned and we received confirmation. Anyhow – the vet apparently doesn’t care if our other cats have worms or not because though she intimated that it’s likely they do, she didn’t give us medication for them.
You’re right about the Internet and the information it offers on cat worms. I found more than my fair share, including the fact that my cat can give them to me. This is why I should not be allowed access to Google – because now I am sure I have a tapeworm. But you’re also right that this is ridiculous – her having this malady when she has no access to tapeworm infecting agents, but that’s Carson. It’s what she does. She ails. If I go home right now she’ll look up at me and wail, “MY LIVER!” and demand more food because, you know what? She also has liver problems – something to do with elevated enzyme levels. I don’t know what this means and neither does Carson. All I know is that HER LIVER! is ailing which means that in addition to the worms and having to make her choke down a few pills that one time, now we’ll have to force one pill a day down her throat for two to three weeks! We all can be sure of one thing: there is no way in hell that will be happening. She will shank us with her razor claws and leave us for dead before we force more life-saving medications into her sick body, HER ACHING LIVER! be damned.
Once I dated a girl who always yelled, “MY LIVER!” all the time for no apparent reason.
You were asking which comedian had this or something generally similar in their routine:
A lot of men have asked me if I’m a lesbian because I had a bad or traumatic sexual experience with a man. And I say no, not all all. Furthermore, if all it took to make a woman a lesbian was one bad sexual experience with a man, something like 98% of all women in this country/everywhere/whatever would be lesbians.”
I polled Janie and the kitties and no one knows. It sounds familiar to me, but I can’t think of where I might have heard it. I did a little Googling and I came across an interesting article by a former lesbian (I know, what? but that’s what the article is about): My crime against the lesbian state which I read once before and found interesting. I don’t know if she could be the comedian who said the above, but it would be interesting if it were her on account of the fact that she’s not gay anymore. It does sound Kate Clinton-ish but I can’t say for sure. We have seen her twice and it seems similar to her humor but I could be just making that up. You can just say “my friend Linsey said this…” and I’ll take the credit until the real person comes along. I’ll be like those people at the Oscars who sit in the chairs to fill them up while the real famous people are answering questions about their awards or going to the bathroom or making out with Paris Hilton in the foyer. My last guess is Judy Gold. I’m not really hip to the lesbian comedians these days.
I would be happy to write an advice article for your site, but I need to be upfront about the fact that I’m pretty bad with lesbians. I don’t know anything about them. This is true – ask Janie. Since your lady gay stole the only topic of which I am familiar (How to meet pick up chicks online), I will have to seriously consider my other options. Maybe something along the lines of “How to forget everything about lesbians and still be one” or “How to turn that one night stand into your wife who won’t even take her shirt off anymore” or “Oh, no…that’s a bad idea. Don’t do that: How to make love the uncouth heathen way!”
I did a little online dating when I was younger. MY LIVER! was one of the people I met, and she was very kind and her family was incredibly nice if not a little crazy in the brain. I say that with the utmost affection because I have one of those families, too. Actually, I met many people through online dating/personals sites – friends and more-than-friends alike and I have only one bad experience with one particular insane girl who was kind of smelly and took her pants and underwear off while driving on I-90 on the way to dinner for reasons I can’t and don’t particularly want to remember. She also stole my Melissa Ferrick CD and claimed to be a sociopath, which I can maybe believe. Bad times, bad times. Most notoriously is the girl I met in a chat room and sparked up a friendly relationship with and then moved to Japan to meet and spend some months with while she was over there living on a grant. It’s an incredibly long story in some respects so I’ll just maybe talk about it in greater detail when I stop feeling so ashamed of the fact that I did something so absurdly stupid.
In closing, let me know your thoughts on getting together next weekend to eat food and drink drinks and talk words.