I’ve learned some things from Wikipedia this morning, my Internet friends. Did you know that this year St. Patrick’s Day was moved from March 17th to March 15th because it fell within Holy Week? The last time this had to be done was back in 1940 and the next time will be in 2160. Also, corned beef and cabbage is an American invention and the Irish don’t pinch those who don’t wear green.

I’ll tell you who does pinch: Janie.

I forgot about St. Patrick’s day this morning. I am wearing white, grey and black. Janie summoned me over to the bed as I was getting ready to run out the door and I asked her what she wanted. She said “Just come here.” and my immediate reaction was panic coupled with the following inner dialogue: This is it. This is how it’s going to end. She’s going to stab me.

She didn’t stab me. She pinched me and fell back asleep, but not before we reminisced about how, a few years ago I told her that my boss pinched my nipple because I wasn’t wearing green and she believed me.

I’ve never been a big fan of this day. I’m not Irish, so I don’t have any cultural ties to it and I’m not a drinker, so I don’t feel like I should hop from bar to bar like my coworker who is, as I type, out running in a special 7-mile St. Patty’s day race where they’ll stop at a bar every mile and drink a pint of beer. Any minute now I expect to look at the street below and see a bunch of drunk runners getting hit by cars.

When I was younger I wore a uniform, so it was difficult to come to school with green apparel. The girls had a bit of an advantage over the boys because our skirts had a green stripe on them whereas the boys were made to wear white t-shirts and navy pants. We were not allowed to wear t-shirts that would show through our white tops, so the only thing for us to do was wear green socks, a button or some other accoutrement. More often than not, I forgot about the day altogether and would have to cheat by drawing a four-leaf clover on my hand with a Mr. Sketch marker or dive into the grass and roll around to stain my clothes out of desperation.

I am wearing green underwear today, if anybody cares, but that’s more out of coincidence than anything else. Of course, if someone comes up to pinch me I probably won’t be pulling my granny panties out from my waistline to show anyone how I’m in compliance with the dress code of the day. I learned many years ago that the only thing that’s good for is a trip to the principal’s office and a note home to your parents.