Meet Janie

Janie was born in 1977. Her mother had toxemia, so Janie was born prematurely and she almost died. Because she was born two months early, she has tiny underdeveloped ears that did not unfold all the way, but don’t say this in front of her mom because she will kick you in the shins. Also, they had to put an IV in her head because it was the only vein they could find that worked (maybe my allergist’s assistant was on duty that day) and in order to do that, she had to get a wicked-cool haircut.

She has the slightest lisp that was one of the traits I first found so incredibly attractive about her. I love to watch her lips as she talks and I’m always asking her to repeat ridiculous things because I like the way it looks and sounds coming from her mouth.

She has a master’s degree in information science which means that my wife is a smokin’ hot librarian. She hates working with the public, though, because they assume that since their taxes pay for library services and her salary, they can treat her and those she works with like shit any time they want. A word to the wise: Janie will not take your shit.

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Janie has terrible taste in music, and she listens mostly to loud guitars with loud singing and the occasional song from the Cry Baby soundtrack. She knows all the words to the entire Swass album by Sir Mix-a-lot. She hates Sarah McLachlan and Ani DiFranco and I don’t know how I can love someone like that so completely, but I do.

She has an affinity for any reality television show involving police, paternity testing or models. Her favorite COPS episode is the one where a woman flagged the police down to complain that the guy she was trying to buy crack from has stolen her $20. The young man’s mother came out of the house to discuss the situation with the police that involved the following quotes which Janie quotes almost daily:

“This is my baby! He goes to church! I don’t go to church, but he goes to church!”

“I don’t do drugs. I’m a prostitute, but I don’t do drugs.”

She is an avid reader and while she was spending a lot of time reading graphic novels, she most recently became fixated on Julius Caesar. Now she is reading historical texts and making me watch documentaries on ancient Rome coupled with those episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess that had a story arc involving him.

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Speaking of Xena, Janie is a longtime fan. She had a Xena clock and the Xena soundtrack and she once purchased episodes of Xena on VHS taped from someone on eBay. You wouldn’t necessarily know this at first, because this is a closely guarded secret of hers that she feels much embarrassment over and so of course I’m going to put it on the Internet.

Janie has a PlayStation, but she doesn’t play it. I do. She refuses to play it because she “likes to watch other people play” instead which, to me, sounds like the most boring thing in the entire word. You could not pay me enough money to sit and watch people play video games, but you could pay Janie to do it.

She recently developed an interest in Football, which has been fun because I grew up watching every Seahawks game, screaming at the television and cursing Dave Kreig’s name with my father. Now I have a new companion to watch every game, scream at the television and curse Shawn Alexander’s name with. Her favorite team, other than the Seahawks, is the Baltimore Ravens because she thinks they have pretty uniforms. She grew up watching a lot of baseball and has a pretty impressive collection of baseball cards. She was at Game Three of the World Series on October 17, 1989 when the Loma Prieta Earthquake hit.

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Jane has traveled extensively. She spent a year living in France, several months wandering alone in South America and once, rode on horseback around the pyramids on Christmas eve. Her parents took her all over the world when she was younger and I have seen pictures of her in a ridiculous number of exotic locales including China, Tahiti, Morocco, Israel, Greece and Ballard.

She is related to James Skinner, British adventurer, which is cool because the only notable person I am related to is that guy who owned that bar that time. She’s also related to people from Arkansas. Her mother is a historical romance novelist and her father is a movie critic and novelist, which is especially interesting because Janie is illiterate and doesn’t watch movies. Just kidding.

I have documented Janie’s diagnosis with Celiac Disease but I have not documented her other affliction: Grumpus Maximus. It’s a not uncommon condition wherein the affected persons are always on my back. She shares this malady with my entire family, making it appear that we are related by something other than a burning gay perverted homosexual desire to love one another for all eternity. This is not the case.

Janie likes ponies, a hot bath, cheese enchiladas with rice and beans and the ladies.

Janie dislikes peppers, spiders, cat pee on her pillow and you, dude cooking hamburgers in the library bathroom.

She’s a real pistol.

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2 Comments

  1. February 28, 2008

    I also choose sporting teams based on the beauty of their uniforms.

  2. August 24, 2008

    omg this is such a beautiful tribute to your wife 🙂 i got a toad in my throat. she sounds like an amazing person, and the love? it shines through.

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