Several years ago I was inspired by the Disgruntled Housewife to make a list of 100 things I wanted to accomplish the following year, and since the early 00’s I’ve kept up with it and, only once, managed to cross off more than half. Janie has started coming up with lists of her own so that we could ignore our goals together, as a couple. Because isn’t the point of marrying a lady so you can have someone to share your failure with? I’ll be spending the last days of 2007 coming up with my 2008 list, titled “Get Your Shit Together.”
The major goal on this list will be to acquire a baby. We got our new insurance cards in the mail recently and I can see the light at the end of the shit-medical-care tunnel. To make this baby thing perfect, we need to raise a few thousand dollars so that we can use my rotting little eggs and Janie’s precious womb to grow a baby that belongs to us both in some way. How’s that for two lesbians making a baby together? It sounds easier than when this girl I dated told me they were soon going to be able to merge two eggs together, or two sperm together and gays could have babies all their own. I’m pretty gullible, so I believed her and I let her touch my lady berries. I’ll never do that again.
In addition to trying to make a baby by rubbing our bodies like two sticks hoping to make a fire, I’ll be in search of new music. I’ve had this on my list for the last three years and the goal has always been ten new artists, but I’m cutting it down to five because I can’t be trusted to seek out new music. I’m apparently quite content to harass Janie with Ani DiFranco and Celine Dion. Hey, lady, if you don’t like it, you drive me around town and I’ll listen to that stupid Mims song without complaining.
Most of all I plan on having lots of conversations that end with Janie telling me “If you put that on your website I will murder-suicide you.”