I looked online at your list of favorite things and I noticed that the majority were chosen from Williams Sonoma. It’s like you went to the mall, walked into the first expensive chain store you saw and started to point at things that looked pretty- items that regular people would use in their regular lives, like bowls. Seriously, Oprah? If you hired yourself a professional chef and nutritionist because you can’t be trusted not to eat all that delicious cheese and ice cream in your fridge, then what do you know about using a mixing bowl? I bet you haven’t used a mixing bowl in years. If you don’t remember how to pump gas, then I’m pretty sure you don’t know a thing about following a recipe or whisking cake batter (and seriously, Oprah? A 400 pound birthday cake for your 50th birthday? You know it’s gonna take you another 50 years to get that off your thighs).
I notice you have the KitchenAid Stand Mixer on your list and I think that’s about seven years too late. It’s so far behind the times that my friend who had her car repossessed in 2002 with her mixer inside didn’t even bother to try getting it back. That’s now out that is. But I love my pretty red one, and I’d make a special trip to the impound lot to get it if I needed to. I just don’t think it’s right for your list, Oprah. It’s not the hot item it used to be. That’s all I’m saying.
You suggested the Claus Porto soaps as hostess gifts and I have two things to say about this. One, giving soap as a gift is a superstitious person’s nightmare. Soap as a gift is said to “wash a friendship away.” You just don’t give it as a gift unless you never want to see someone again and that’s just mean. What does Dr. Phil have to say about your passive-aggressive dropping of friends this way? This is the exact reason my brother has always given me soap for Christmas, but at least he followed it up by calling me a dumb cunt later on and I finally understood what that soap really meant. Also, if you’re coming to my house and bringing me a gift, I hope it’s better than a bar of soap. I’d prefer something more like a cashiers check for five million dollars.
It’s pretty clear to me that Williams Sonoma sponsored your favorite things and maybe I’m mostly disappointed in the Brevilel Ikon Panini Press you selected because this used to be called the George Foreman grill and was sold on TV. Oprah, if I can buy it from George Foreman, it’s not one of your favorite things. And I bet you make Stedman grill your panini. Do you even know how to plug things in anymore?
You see, Oprah, I have your number. I know you’re sitting in your $50 million dollar mansion in Santa Barbara doing TaeBo with Billy Blanks, petting to your shiny dogs and talking on the phone with Maya Angelou about your Leadership Academy scandal. You’re not a regular-ass person, Oprah. it’s time you admit this and move on, stop pretending and start adding thing to your favorites list that only your wealthy friends can buy, like a Bugatti Veyron. Really give those audience members something to write home about.
In the mean time, let me show you how the little people make a list of favorites. Here are some of the best items I found in my search for Christmas gifts. This is how we do:
- Target has some sweet rain boots, like this anchor drop design for $19.99.
- These Tokyo Flash watches are insane! You won’t be able to tell time with them, but you’ll look good when your boss catches you coming in late for the 3rd time this week.
- When your wife can’t eat expensive designer cupcakes on account of the fact that the gluten makes her a grump and a meanie, do the next best thing: go to Davinci’s in Seattle for some gluten-free cookie dough to shove in her grouch speaker.
- Garrett Popcorn is supposed to be pretty tasty! I’d hit that.
- How many times does a girl have to put this stovetop smoker on her motherfucking Christmas list to get one?
- Because how cute would it be to send your wife to work with this Mets lunch tin? So cute that I’d have to write dirty notes on her napkins.
- Every man needs the Spartacus doll from the String Doll Gang. Or at least Janie’s dad does.
- If you’re looking for some art, but not the same old shit that they sell at Target, where 50 million other people have the same painting of that dancing couple on their bedroom wall, maybe you’ll like something from imaginary friends, inc.
- One year of white pages for the journaler in your life. The one who actually fills them up with thoughts and poetry, not shopping lists or chores for their wife.
- Finding the perfect tote is so hard. But the Signature Bag from Zabar’s is cheap, comes in three sizes and has a pocket for storing your children.
P.S. Please tell my friend Robin-O that I am still not mad at her.