Dear Tyra

How are you?

If you asked me how I am doing, I would tell you I am doing fine.

What do you think I should do about the spam comments that keep showing up in my comment moderation files? Today I’ve received about six inappropriate comments from “people” offering me all sorts of pornographic links. The last one promised a “mother daughter threesome” and what I can only assume is a tutorial on “how to make your own sex toy.”

Tyra, I’ll be honest, this mother daughter threesome doesn’t do it for me, and the thought of making my own sex toy…? No thank you. I wouldn’t want someone at the craft store to ask me what art project I’m working on and then have to tell them it’s going to be a sex toy made entirely from popsicle sticks and glitter glue. I have a hard enough time trying to explain my dinner plans to Rose at Thriftway when she inquires about my grocery purchases. I can’t imagine having to go into detail about how I’m going to fashion a harness out of embroidery thread.

What do you think, Tyra? Why do you think these spammers are suddenly trying to entice my readers with this filth? Do they not know what kind of person I am? Do they not know that I love the Lord and the Lord would never want me sticking anything in my hoo-ha that was made by any hand other than his own almighty one? Oh Tyra, what’s a blogger to do!?

I guess I’ll just wait to hear from you. In the mean time, I think maybe I’ll just click on each link and comment to them about the power and glory of the Baby Jesus. Maybe they need a little church to get them on the right path. Oh Tyra, don’t we all? Amen to that.

Oh, and Tyra? On your show America’s Next Top Model, can you maybe not always be all: “No, it’s not ‘Ooh Ah!’ like that. That’s a little hoochie. It needs to be more like ‘Ooh Oh,’ like that because then it’s passionate. And then you went all ‘oh, mmm…’ when you should have been, ‘Bam! Wah!’ You see what I’m saying?”

What does that even mean? Do you even know? I’m starting to think you make stuff up just to see of those poor girls agree with you. And they do, they fall for it every time. But I know better and you know better and you’re going “Oh yeah” when you should be going, “Oh no.” Because making fun of skinny girls who don’t know better probably doesn’t sit right with the Lord.

May God’s light shine down on you, Tyra Banks.