I saw you on the television today, during a commercial break while watching the season premier of Project Runway. I like your hair up in a ponytail like that. I thought it looked really good. I hardly recognized you, until you opened your mouth.
Eva Longoria, you’re a beautiful person and I’m sure you’re really nice and nothing at all like that snooty tramp you play on that show I stopped watching after the first season. I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’m just going to let it out.
You need braces, Eva Longoria. Those bottom teeth need some help.
I know you have to be on television and it’s not easy to play a whore when you’ve got braces on your pearly whites, but think about the summertime, when you and Tony Parker are lounging on your yacht in the Mediterranean. You could wear those clear ones or Invisalign. If Tom Cruise can wear braces in the prime of his career, so can you. He even had them at the premier of Minority Report (which was a surprisingly good movie, I thought). He’s a bigger star than you are, and yes, probably crazier than you, too. I’ll give you that. But he did it and his career survived and look at him now! He’s married to Katie Holmes and she does whatever he tells her to. Braces can give you that kind of life, Eva Longoria. It’s not too late.
I care about you, Eva Longoria. I just want the best for you. Now that you are well into your stint on a successful television program, I bet you could afford it. Think of all the kids in the country who need braces but can’t have them because the president vetoed HR 976, the bipartisan measure to expand the SCHIP program. Do it for them, Eva Longoria, do it for the children that George Bush hates.