My friend Robin-O said she’d come to Thanksgiving dinner as long as there would be no hand-holding and no intimate moments of going around the table to express thanks. In return, she’s promised not to bring cocaine or make out with anyone in my family. I appreciate her making these concessions and to help keep up my part of the bargain, I’ll post my thanks here.

I’m grateful that I make my own lunches. My dad used to make mine long ago and I’d often find myself staring down a butter and jelly sandwich while all the other kids ate tuna fish or bologna or, you know, peanut butter and jelly. I’m so glad I don’t have to see that again.

I’m grateful that the turkey will only take 5 hours to cook, according to various websites including the USDA. This meant that I did not have to get up at 6am to put that fucker in the oven.

I’m grateful for Janie, because there is no one in my life who gets me and loves me more than she does. I’ve never loved someone more than I love her, even if she is on me all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

I’m grateful for our new computer monitor.

I’m grateful that our house guests got the hell out of my bed so I don’t have to sleep on the couch anymore (We’ll miss you!).

Mostly, I’m grateful for television, because it drowns out the sound of my beautiful wife talking about work and her problems.

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(Check out my guest post over at Janie’s site.) [UPDATE: Sorry, friends, Janie is no longer blogging.]

Also, my friend Robin-O is not a coke-head and would not make out with my family members.  She’d like me to make sure you know that.