I em Smrt

Researchers now believe that first born children are blessed with higher IQ’s than the rest of the lot and I’m a little upset about this. I am the last of three children, so this makes me the stupidest. I’m not saying it isn’t true, I’m just saying it’s not fair. It does seem to explain a lot of things…like why I just can’t seem to understand how x and y can be worked into a mathematical equation. Aren’t those letters? Or how Janie convinced me that there were giraffes in Yellowstone Park who come out on special occasions. Some might think this is proof that her status as first born (which seems irrelevant considering she’s an only child) has provided her with superior persuasive abilities. I just think it means she’s a lying liar. But what do I know, I’m just a third-born know-nothing.

My sister read somewhere (and I am curious to know where- since her reading preference seems to be more US Weekly and Pink is the New Blog than Ulysses or Origin of Species) that women use up their best eggs first. As we age, and as our eggs deplete, we’re slowly being left with the inferior ones. By the time we’re 35 it’s a pretty good chance that any of our left over eggs are, at best, special-ed students in the making. (According to the CDC: At age 40, half of a woman’s eggs are chromosomally abnormal; by 42, that figure is 90%)

My friend Carrie had her son when she was 20 and he’s smarter than she and I put together. He can name countries in Africa and their past leaders as well as their Gross National Product. However, he still hasn’t caught on to the idea of gentrification and I’ve been trying to explain it to him for over a year now. I wonder what he could grasp if she’d had him when she was 14 or 15. Maybe I should push for more teen pregnancies, so we’ll have smarter kids who easily understand the concept of wealthier individuals moving into cities or neighborhoods to replace working or lower-classes already living there. I once dated a girl whose sister had a daughter when she was something like 14 years old, and that little girl could have kicked Ken Jennings ass on Jeopardy before the end of the first round. Teen mothers might just be on to something, that’s all I’m saying.

I’m curious to know if this is what has caused the downfall of society.Women are waiting longer to have children and their eggs are not as shiny and new as they were back when they were irresponsible teenagers.Now these kids made from sub-par reproductive parts are stupider than ever.If these women have more than one kid, they’re just contributing more children with lower IQ’s and where does that leave us?Look around – Paris Hilton is more famous than ever and people voted for George W. Bush.TWICE.

Of course, George W. Bush is the eldest child and his mother was 21 when he was born.Either this IQ/egg business is totally unreliable, or my brother in law is right in suggesting that he’s an unrecognized genius.


  1. June 23, 2007

    Isn’t Bush the anti-genius? If there’s any genius in there, it’s of the most creepy/sociopathic type.

    An interesting supposition (and one that makes the “eldest” in just a little snarky), but somehow I doubt this will withstand deep scrunity. It’s still fun, though, to point to this and say to my younger sibling “told ya’ I was smarter!”

  2. LizzieLou
    June 25, 2007

    Maybe I’m not understanding this completely because I am not the first born either – but does the social rank referred to in the article mean that if your parents like you better you have a higher IQ regardless of birth order? If I understand this correctly it must mean that it’s true. If not, then I’m like a dumbass or something and perhaps lacking in social skills. Or maybe I need some juice.

  3. L
    September 29, 2011

    Actually, the CDC statistic you report is not accurate. The study was of infertile women and in the sample of those women, nearly half of their eggs were not normal. That doesn’t apply to forty year old women who are not infertile. So, you can’t generalize from infertile women to all women (fertile and not).

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